An introduction to Ego States - Born to Win

I generally don't read books on psychology. So this time when I picked up "Born to Win" I wasn't hoping to read beyond a few pages. But the concepts in this book were so simple, and was so simply written that I wasn't able to put the book down. Here is an excerpt for the book -
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Structural Analysis offers one way of answering the questions: Who am I? Why do I act the way I do? How did I get this way? It is a method of Analyzing a person's thoughts, and behavior, based on the phenomena of ego states.

Imagine a mother loudly scolding her noisy, quarrelsome children . Her voice is shrill. Her arm is tense and held high in the air . Suddenly, the phone rings and she hears a friend's voice. The mother's posture, tone, and expression begin to change. Her voice becomes well modulated. Her once tense arm lies quietly in her lap.

Imagine two factory workers angrily arguing with each other about a work problem. Their argument is animated and fierce. They look like two children fighting over a piece of candy. Suddenly they here a crash of steel followed by an agonized scream. Their entire demeanor changes. Their arguments are dropped. Their angry expression give way to concern. One hurries to see what's wrong; the other calls an ambulance.

According to the theory of structural analysis, the workers, as well as the mother, changed ego states. Berne defines an ego state as "A consistent pattern of feeling and experience directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behavior".

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Each person has three ego states which are separate and distinct sources of behavior: the Parent ego state, the Adult ego state, and the Child ego state. These are not abstract concepts but realities. "Parent, Adult, and Child represent real people who now exist or who once existed, who have legal name and civic identities " . Ego states are colloquially termed Parent, Adult, Child . Ego capitalized in this book they refer to ego states, not to actual parent, adult, or children .

The three ego states are defined as follows:

The Parent ego state contains the attitudes and behavior incorporated from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, it often is expressed towards others in prejudicial, critical, and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child.

The Adult ego state is not related to a person's age. It is oriented to current reality and the objective gathering of on information. It is organized, adaptable, intelligent, and functions by testing reality, estimating probabilities and computing dispassionately.

The Child ego state contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the recordings of the child's experiences, responses, and "positions" taken about self and others. It is expressed as "old" (archaic) behavior from childhood.

When you are acting, thinking, feeling as you observed your Parent to be doing, you are in your parents ego state. When you are dealing with current reality, gathering facts, and computing objectively, you are in your Adult ego state. When you are feeling and acting as you did when you were a child, you are in your Child ego state.

Case Illustration

A client was advised to investigate a private school for his son. When he reported his findings about the school where the teaching was informal and creativity encouraged, three distinct reactions was easily observable. First, he scowled and said, "I can't see how anyone could learn anything at that school. There's dirt on the floor!" Leaning back in his chair, his forehead smoothed out as he reflected, "before I decide, I think I should check on the school's scholastic rating and talk to some of the parents." The next minute, a broad grin crossed his face, and he said, " Gee, I 'd love to have gone to a school like that !"

When queried about his responses, the client readily analyzed that his first was the way his father would have responded. His second was his Adult looking for more data. His third was his Child recalling his own unhappy school experience and imagining the fun he might have had at a school such as the one he visited.

Before making a final decision he pursued his Adult questions. Subsequently, his son attended this school, is currently having a good time there and achieving well beyond his former level.

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I was amazed when I read this coz I could clearly see that I was either being a child, a parent or an adult with different people I encountered or under different circumstances. Some of them were appropriate. But there were instances, where I was facing conflicts in my life and I could look working on those instances by altering my ego state . For eg : With a childhood friend, I could be a child , but with professional relationships I could be an adult, and with a youngster or with someone who needed emotional support I could be a parent.